Monthly Archives: September 2013

Lyrics of Salaam Aaqa Lelo Salaam Ab Hamara.

Lyrics of Salaam ‘Aaqa Lelo Salaam Ab Hamara’ in Gujarati Transliteration:

આકા લેલો સલામ અબ હમારા,
આકા લેલો સલામ અબ હમારા,
સબા તું મદિને જાકે, સબા તું મદિને જાકે,
કેહના ખુદારા।

ચાંદ કે ટુકડે કિયે, પેડો ને સજદે કિયે,
સૂરજ પલટ આ ગયા, યે મોજઝે આપકે,
ઉમ્મતી ક્યા ખુદ ખુદા હૈ, ઉમ્મતી ક્યા ખુદ ખુદા હૈ,
શયદા તુમ્હારા।

ગમ સે હૈ ટૂટે હુએ, ઝુલ્મો મેં ડૂબે હુએ,
મુદ્દત હુઈ યા નબી, કિસ્મત કો રૂઠે હુએ,
રોઝે મહેશર ઉમ્મતી કા, રોઝે મહેશર ઉમ્મતી કા,
આપ હી સહારા।

નૂરે ખુદા આપ હૈ, શાહે ખુદા આપ હૈ,
એ સર્વરે અમ્બીયા, પહેરે સખા આપ હૈ,
યે હૈ અઝમત રબને તુમપર, યે હૈ અઝમત રબને તુમપર,
કુરાન ઉતારા।

દિન રાત રોતી હૈ યે, ઉમ્મત તુમ્હારે લિયે,
હો જાયે નઝરે કરમ, આકા હમારે લિયે,
તૈબાહ કી વો ગલિયો કા કબ, તૈબાહ કી વો ગલિયો કા કબ,
હોગા નઝારા।

Jokes

What do you do when Santa throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
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Why can’t Santa dial 911?
He cannot find the eleven on the phone.
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“Oh, look at the dead bird.”
Santa looked skyward and said “Where, Where?
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What do smart Santa and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
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HEAVEN
A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with “T”.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered…
1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?”

The Sardar replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc….”
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
———————————————————————————————————-
EMPLOYMENT?
Our Santa was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes
———————————————————————————————————-
DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.

After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.

He says, “Are Banta Singh! What the heck’s going’ on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?” Scared Banta replies. “Yeah, but you’ve got a *driver.* ”
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CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR
Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.

After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the sardaji told: “I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave”. The old lady then complained to the air hostess.

The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain.

Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji.

Capt. replied: “Nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar.”
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THE 4 SARDARJIS
There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugurated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and
waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up.
WHY? Because there was a sign at the entrance “Visitors not allowed.”

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY? Because their garage was on the first floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but
alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY? Because all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.

All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.
WHY? Because two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
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SANTA SING AND STUDENTS
Sardar Santa Singhji is the english teacher in a school. He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the english class.

This is what transpires :
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA ”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA ”
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA ”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA ”
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI”
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH ”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH”

By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him “What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA ,GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH.

The principle too is shocked , Santa Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for Santa Singh.
Principal : ” Santa singhji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH”.

Santa Singh : “Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spellings of assassination.:- Ass-Ass-I-Nation
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SOME SECRETS OF PAKISTAN ARMY
How do you stop a Pakistani tank ?
Shoot the men who are pushing it.

How do you disable a Pakistani tank?
Hide the wind-up key.

How do you disable Pakistani missiles?
Cut the rubber band.

Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name change for the PAF.
They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining Corps. This is because their planes end up in the ground anyway.

Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory.

Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes?
Neither has Pakistan.

Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
It’s a solar powered flashlight.

Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.

How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
Put it in water.

Did you hear about the 747 jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies.

Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.

Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi ?
There was a terrible power cut in Karachi’s Four Square Shopping Mall. People were stuck on the escalator for four hours.

Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre ? They were waiting to see the movie “Closed for the winter”.

Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash ?
The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses ?
They get it from chasing parked cars.

Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for five days ?
He was scheduled to take a medical test.

Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ?
Somebody stole the book.
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SOFTWARE HUSBAND
Husband : ( Returning late form work ) “Good evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn…
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found …
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied …
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!…
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use…
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot
———————————————————————————————————-
Support: “Type dir, space, a, colon.”
Customer: “With a space after ‘space’?”
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Student: “How do you spell HTML?”
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Jokes

ARCHER:
A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

“Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke. “I must find him!”
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

“You didn’t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?” asked the duke worriedly.
“No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.”

“That is truly astonishing,” said the duke. “I hereby admit you into my service.” The boy thanked him profusely.
“But I must ask one favor in return,” the duke continued. “You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.”

“Well,” said the boy, “first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target
around it.”
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LAWYER AND BLONDE:
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA
to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: “Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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REST IN PEACE
A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the “grand opening”, accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from
his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: “Rest in Peace”.

Embarrassed and irate at the florist’s error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist’s explanation. “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry….imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: Congratulations on your new location!”
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CAR RIDE
A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him. Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets in relieved to be out of the wet.

“Thanks pal I thought I would never……” he looks across at the driver and there is no one in the seat. Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the road where the guy lives – he is by now is in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not jumped from the car en-route is because it was travelling so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened.

Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry! Now it is stopped at the kerb again just up the street from where he lives and the guy gets out, closes the door and as he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car.

“Hey buddy I would not get in that car if I were you there’s something weird about it” “Yeah, I know” says the second guy ” But I’ve just pushed it four miles and I really need the rest”.
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TALK BETWEEN IT GUY AND A LABOURER
IT guy – (Asks worker) What do you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker – …….stays * quite*
IT guy – I have Money, Name, Stock Options What do
you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker – (Softly) I have work.
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DIARY
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for Bob.
Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have
enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
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It’s Me
You should be sure the person is me when he:

  • Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.
  • Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
  • Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
  • Tries to drown a fish in water.
  • Trips over a cordless phone.
  • Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
  • Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
  • Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, “Airport left”, he turns around and goes home.
  • Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.

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How do you make me laugh on Saturday?
Tell me joke on Wednesday.
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Why can’t Santa make ice cubes?
He always forgets the recipe.
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How did Santa try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
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Jokes Hindi.

Santa: Mujhe phone par dhamkiyan mil rahi hai.
Police: Kaun hai who?
Santa: BSNL wale bolte hai bill na bhara to kaat denge.
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Munna: Circuit yaar ye barish ke waqt bijli kyu chamakti hai?
Circuit: Bhai bole to upar wala torch maar ke dekhta hoega ki kahi sala Sukha to nahi reh gaya.
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Wife: Kal raat tum neend main mujhe gaaliya de rahe the.
Husband: Tumhe galat fehmi hui hai.
Wife: Kaisi galat fehmi?
Husband: Yehi ke main soya hua tha!
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Baap: Beta is bar tujhe exam me 90% lana hai.
Beta: Nahi dad, mai to is bar 100% launga.
Baap: Kya mazak kar rahe ho?
Beta: Shuru kisne kiya tha?
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Teacher: A for?
Chintu: Apple.
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Chintu: Jay mata di.
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Sardar to doctor: Poore jism me kahin bhi ungli lagao toh bahut dard hota hai.
Doctor suggested full body Xray, when doctor checked Xray report he found fracture in ungli.
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Rahul Gandhi: Mom apki vajah se meri shadi nahi ho rahi…
Sonia Gandhi: Kyon?
Rahul: Har taraf likha hai ‘Sonia ko BAHU MAT do.’
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Sir: Bacho Kasam Khao Ki Sharab, cigarette, jua or ladkiyon ko nahin chuoge! Des ke liye jaan de doge!
Bachhe: De denge Sir, aisi jindagi jikar kya karenge.
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1000 pages ki book kitne din me padh sakte ho?
Writer: 6 months.
Doctor: 2 months.
Lawyer: 1 month.
Student: Pehle ye batao ki exam kab hai.
———————————————————————————————————-
Mannoo read the graffiti on the wall, ‘Padne wala gadha.’ He thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back, ‘Likhne wala gadha.’
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Doctor: Aap ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai?
Husband: Hoga, zarur hoga; 25 saal se mera khoon jo pee rahi hai.
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Ram – Ye phulon ki mala kyun?
Doctor – Ye mera pehla operation hai, successful hua toh mere liye, nahi to tumhare liye!
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At a cricket ground:
Guard: Match to ho gayi, ab khun baithe ho?
Santa: No problem, highlights dekhunga.
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Gullu: Tu hamesha foreign channels kyu dekhta hai?
Santa: Kuch bijli unki bhi kharch hone do!
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Funny Meanings and Definitions.

Abdicate:
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


Advice:
What we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we hadn’t.


Age:
A high price to pay for maturity.


Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.


Bookstore:
One of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.


Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.


Celebrity:
One who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn’t know.


Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.


Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually, sit to decide that nothing can be done together.


Conclusion:
The place you reach when you’re tired of thinking.


Dictionary:
The only place where divorce comes before marriage.


DIET:
Dare I Eat That.


Diplomacy:
Art of saying, ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.


Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.


Disappointment:
Receiving no ‘likes’ on a witty status update.


Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and later kills you with his bills.


Employer:
One who is looking for men between the ages of 25 and 30 with 40 years of experience.


Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.


Experience:
That marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


Father:
A banker provided by nature.


Fruit:
A vegetable with looks and money.


Girlfriend:
Someone who will stand by you through all the troubles that you wouldn’t have had if you had stayed single.


Greeting card:
When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.


Heaven: American salary, British home, Chinese food, German car, Indian wife.
Hell: American wife, British food, Chinese car, German home, Indian salary.


Husband:
What’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.


It is in the process:
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.


IT Professional:
One who is paid for uploading such Posts and Articles!


Jury:
Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.


Life:
What happens when you’re not watching TV.


Marriage:
First chapter in Poetry and remaining in Prose.
A very expensive way to get the laundry done.
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree and woman gains her masters.


Opera:
When a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.


Opportunist:
One who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.


Peace:
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.


Pessimist:
Somebody who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.


Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.


Psychiatrist:
A fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
The next person you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.


Queen:
Someone who is never late. Everyone else is simply early.


Racing:
The art of turning left in a car for 4 hours.


Retirement:
Twice as much husband and half as much money.


Rumour:
News that travels more than the speed of sound.


Savings:
A very fine thing especially when your parents have done it for you.


Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power.


Test results were extremely gratifying:
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.


The entire concept will have to be abandoned:
The only person who understood the thing quit.


Ultimatum:
A last demand before resorting to concessions.


Vegetarian:
An old Indian (Native American) word meaning “lousy hunter”.


Woman:
Most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!


X-ray:
An image often used by persons interested in becoming bone models.


Yawn:
It’s the only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Funny Quotes.

A rolling stone gathers no moss. But the rolling stone does not care; It is momentum that it wants to gather.
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
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Before, man ‘yearns’ for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘y’ becomes silent.
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I must confess. I was born at a very early age.
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They call our language the mother tongue as father seldom speaks.
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A woman has the last word in an argument. Anything a man says after that, is the beginning of a new argument.
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Is there another word for synonym?
———————————————————————————————————-
In order to get a loan you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
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Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
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An apple a day keeps a doctor away; But if the doctor is cute, keep the apple away.
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Funny Quotes.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.


Good people just never got caught.


A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.


Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.


How does Teflon stick to the pan?


How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?


I’ve a Teflon Brain. Nothing sticks.


Celibacy is not hereditary.


No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.


The average man will spend about 145 days of this life shaving.


The names of all the continents end with the letter they start with.


Coffee, tea or me?


The girl had as many curves as a scenic railway.


Q: Forward I am heavy, backwards I am not. What am I?
A: Ton.


Gravity doesn’t exist; the earth sucks.


On your mark, get set, go away!


It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.


If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.


Can once in a lifetime happen twice?


Q: You use a knife to slice my head, and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?
A: An Onion.


Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.


To be sure of hitting the target in your life, Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.


I think I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.


We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them.


Originality is the art of concealing sources.


If boy laughs, He is MANNERLESS,
If girl does so, she is JOLLY.

If a boy talks too much, he is CHATTERBOX,
If a girl does so she is WITTY.

If boy loves silence, he is DULL,
If a girl loves it, she is SERIOUS.

If boy looks at a girl, he STARES,
If a girl looks at a boy, she gives GLANCE.

If a boy wears a unique dress, he is a JOKER,
If a girl does so, it’s a FASHION.

If boys move together, they form a GANG,
If girls do so, they form a GROUP.

If a boy initiates a conversation, he is FLIRTING,
If girl does so, she is INTERESTED.















Funny Quotes.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.


For every action, good or bad, there is an equal and opposite criticism.


A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


The best years of a woman’s life are the ten years between thirty and thirty one.


Telling a Lie is a Fault for a Little Boy, an Art for a Lover, an Accomplishment for a Bachelor and for a Married Man it is a matter of Survival.


Only 20% boys have brains. Rest have girlfriends.


Drive carefully – 90% of people on the road are caused by accident!


‘Inside every fat man is a thin man frantically trying to get out but outside every thin girl is a fat man frantically trying to get in!’


Trust me, I’m a lawyer.


If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you’re really good, you’ll get out of it.


A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.


When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.


You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.


Money is the fruit of evil as often as the root of it.


Intuition is reason in a hurry.


A husband should always know what is the matter with his wife, for she always knows what is not.


If we all said to people’s faces what we say behind each other’s backs, society would be impossible.


When he said we were trying to make a fool of him, I could only murmur that the Creator had beat us to it.


It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.


If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place.


The good die young – because they see it’s no use living if you are good.


Peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.


You are not permitted to kill a woman who has injured you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.


All tragedies are finished by death; all comedies are ended by a marriage.


Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.


He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own.


To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler – and less trouble.


Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?


She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.


A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.


Lover never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion.


A rolling stone gathers no moss, but it gains a certain polish.


A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s; she changes it more often.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


“When I was young I used to think that money was the most important think in life. Now that I am old, I know it is.”


She had penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.


I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.


The honeymoon is over when she starts wondering what happened to the man she married and he starts wondering what happened to the girl he didn’t.


When a woman lowers her voice, it’s a sign she wants something; when she raises it, it’s a sign she didn’t get it.


Brigands (Mafia) demand your money or your life; women require both.


‘Home, Sweet Home’ must surely have been written by a bachelor.


It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.


Soft, sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing – that’s what a little boy loves to eat and a grown man prefers to marry.


When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.


If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?


‘Be yourself!’ is about the worst advice you can give to some people.


My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.


I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.


If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.


I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.


Jokes

1st man: My neighbors were screaming and yelling at 3 o’clock this morning.
2nd man: Did they wake you up?
1st man: Nah. I was awake, playing my bagpipes.
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Psychiatrist to patient: If these pills don’t stop the kleptomania (habit of stealing), try and get me a nice video camera.
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Santa and Banta visit a museum.
Santa: This painting is 500 years and 20 days old.
Banta: Amazing! Where did you get this exact information?
Santa: I was here 20 days ago. That day the guide told me that the painting was 500 years old.
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You looked good from far… now you are far from looking good.
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Q: If the devil runs away with your wife, what would you do?
A: If the Devil has committed the mistake, let him face the consequences.
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Manager: Sorry, but I can’t give you a job. I don’t have any more work.
Santa: That’s all right, Sir. In fact, I’m just the right person in this case. You see, I won’t ask you to give me work anyway!
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Jokes

Wife was running after a garbage truck, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
Hubby following her yelled, “Not yet. Jump in.”
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Man throws Rs.100 into a cage by thinking it’s ‘fine’.
Reason: Do not feed, Rs.100 fine!
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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school?
A: She had a bright student.
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
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There are 3 sides to an argument. Your side, my side and the right side.
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She’s the kind of girl who doesn’t care for a man’s company – unless he owns it.
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Santa: You look just like my 3rd wife.
Lady: How many wives do you have?
Santa: 2.
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Mosquito: Can I go to the theatre?
Mom: Yes, but beware of the applause.
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Diner: I can’t eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager.
Waiter: No use sir. He won’t eat it either.
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