Category Archives: Humor – Fun

Jokes from Readers Digest.

Yesterday, a guy came up to me at work and said, “How are you ever going to get a job with all those piercings?”
I’ll say that again. A guy came up to me… at work… and asked, “How are you ever going to get a job with all those piercings?”


When I attended an interview for a job six months after my 70th birthday, I was asked my age.
With nothing to hide, I replied “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.”
The interviewer looked skeptical, “No offence,” he said, “but you look older than 35.”


Comments bosses made to employees during their salary reviews:

  • I’ve got great news. You managed to avoid a salary decrease.
  • Before you came to my department, you were such a shining star, full of new ideas and enthusiasm. What happened to you?

I was kicked out of a job interview at a clothing store for “not dressing appropriately.” I had purchased my outfit from the same store just two days earlier.


Witty and Funny Answers.

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!


Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.


Q. Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have?
A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.


Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.


Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.


Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. He sleeps at night.


Q. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?
A. Because he is dead.


Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become ?
A. It becomes wet.


Q. What often falls but never gets hurt?
A. Rain.


Q. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be?
A. Tomorrow.


Q. What looks like half apple?
A. The other half.


Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A. Dinner.


Q. What gets wet with drying?
A. A towel.


Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?
A. Age.


Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A. It caused a revolution.


Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish?
A. Because it has its own scales.


Q. Why does a bike rest on its leg?
A. Because it is too tyred.


Q. Bay of bengal is in which state?
A. Liquid




Jokes

Scientists all over the world are wondering how long a human being can live without a brain…? Kindly tell them your age.


“Do you Drink?”
“First tell me whether it is a question or an invitation.


In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar (raised structure).
Since then, weddings have been held here.
And times haven’t changed at all!


My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.


May God give a friend like you to everyone…
Why should I suffer alone?


Boy: Do you love me because my father left me a fortune?
Girl: No stupid! I’d love you no matter who left you the money.


Q. What did one ghost say to another?
A. Do you believe in people?


Q. Difference between Jeweller and Jailor?
A. Jeweller sells watches and Jailor watches cells.


Q. How many times you can subtract 5 from 25?
A. Once. Because the number becomes 20 after one subtraction.


Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Just take your foot of his head.


A cigarette shortens your life by 2 minutes.
A beer shortens your life by 4 minutes.
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours.


Girl: Will you love me as much after marriage too?
Boy: Certainly. If your husband allows me to.


Girl: Mom, I was punished for something I didn’t do?
Mom: What was it?
Girl: My Homework.


Three fastest ways of communication:
a) Telephone b) Television c) Tell-a-woman.


Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.


Officer: What are you doing out here at 2 am?
Man: I am going to a lecture.
Officer: And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?
Man: My wife.


A man who owned a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prized possession. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.


Q. When you congratulate someone for their mistake?
A. On their wedding day.


Our marriage is made up of trust and understanding. She doesn’t trust me and I don’t understand her.


Teacher : How is it possible that 1+1 = 11 ?
Student : By mistake.


Meena : “Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?”
Rajni : “What, I have lived with him for ten years and now you mean to say I should make him happy.”


Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English student: I like it very much.


Beggar to a lady sitting on park bench: Hi Darling, let’s have some fun.
Lady: How dare you?
Beggar: Then what are you doing on my bed?


What is the depth of friendship?
It’s when your best friend runs away with your lover and you miss your friend.


A family just moved into their new home when a neighbour asked the 5 year old Vijay how he liked the house. “It’s great,” Vijay said. “I have my very new room and my brother has his own room, and Vinita has her own room too! But poor mom, she still has to put up with dad…”


Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee.
Waiter: Is it enough, Sir?
Customer: What? Do you think I can’t buy more?


Matrimonial ad of Devdas – Wanted wife. Age no bar, height and looks no bar, caste no bar… but girl’s dad should have his own bar!


Husband: Honey, we must get our daughter married to an intelligent man.
Wife: If only my father were so thoughtful.


I want to share everything with you – your joys, your sorrows, hour happy moments, every single second of the day… so let’s start with your ATM password.


At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying: You are next, you are next. But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals.


I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Cheque books.


My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. Besides, he looks cute in his valet (clean) parking attendant uniform.


Husband: Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
Wife: Somewhere I’ve never been!
Husband: The kitchen.


I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.


Teacher: How old is your father?
Sunny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.


The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. “Yes”, he said, “I do. My father taught me.” “Good. What comes after ten?” “A Jack.”


Teacher: Johnny, you can’t sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But may be if you were a little quieter, I could.


Q: What’s a baby’s motto?
A: If at first you don’t succeed – cry, cry again!


Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.


When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men, he said he couldn’t increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men, he’d fire them.


Patient: And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?
Doctor: Most certainly – you should be able to play it with ease.
Patient: That’s great. I could never play it before.


Lady: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter.


It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. “Oh, I don’t know,” she said, “Just give me something with diamonds.” So I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.


NASA discovered that ballpoint pens wouldn’t work in zero gravity, so they spent a decade and $12 billion to develop one that does, in any temperature, on any surface. The Russians used a pencil.


Woman: “Doctor, when I woke up this morning, my hair was frazzled, my skin wrinkled, and I looked like a corpse! What’s WRONG with me?”
Doctor: “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight…”


Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.


Question: When do you congratulate someone for a mistake?
Answer: On their wedding!


Funny Quotes.

I want patience – AND I WANT IT NOW!


Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?


I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.


It is always the best policy to speak the truth – unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.


I used to not finish sentences, but now I.


If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good.


Lady who lives in glass house, dress in basement.


Why are there five syllables in ‘monosyllabic’?


It’s better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.


My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.


Here’s to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.


If you are afraid of loneliness do not marry.


Forgive me now – tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.


God heals, and the doctor takes the fee.


If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.


The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.


In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.


The trouble with marriage is that, while every woman is at heart a mother, every man is at heart bachelor.


God gives us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.


The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.


Funny Quotes.

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.


If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?


A closed mouth gathers no foot.


Beat the 5’o clock rush, leave work at noon.


Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.


Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.


The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.


If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?


I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


If people talk behind your back, what does it mean?
Simple! It means that you are two steps ahead of them!!!


If you talk to God, its prayer. If God talks to you, its schizophrenia (mental illness)!


Well, they do say opposites attract… so I sincerely hope that you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent and cultured…!!!


I’m modest and proud of it!


A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up to three thousand times the memory.


Few women admit their age.
Even fewer men act theirs.


Your future depends on your dreams – So go to sleep!


I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.


Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.


I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.


Funny Quotes.

How do you define marriage? A very expensive way to get the laundry done.


Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not sure about the former.


If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


I fought the law and the law won.


God thought he can’t be everywhere, so he created mother.
Then, Devil thought he can’t be everywhere, so he created mother-in-law.


The secret of success is knowing whom to blame for your failure.


Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes!


Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.


WOMAN is the most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!


Every morning is the dawn of a new error.


I was born intelligent. Education ruined me.


If your father is a poor man, it’s your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.


In prison you spend the majority of time in an 8×10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle (chamber).


All things come to him who waits – provided he knows what he is waiting for.


Always listen to your hubby. He gives sound advice: 99% Sound and 1% Advice.


Our marriage is made up of trust and understanding. She doesn’t trust me and I don’t understand her.


Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?


I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.


A man always had two reasons for what he does – a good one and the real one.


The glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time you fall, and demanding… “Waiter, one more peg please.”


Funny Quotes.

Boost is the secret of my energy. Then why are you revealing it to me.


If you can’t convince, CONFUSE.


If you want breakfast in the bed, sleep in the kitchen.


In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar (raised structure).
Since then, weddings have been held here.
And times haven’t changed at all!


My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.


May God give a friend like you to everyone…
Why should I suffer alone?


Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.


What do I do when I see someone gorgeous, attractive, and cute? I stare, I smile and when I get tired, I put the mirror down.


Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.


Hard work never kills. But why take a chance.


One for all and all for me.


God, if you can’t make me skinny, please make my friends fat.


I’m not antisocial, the society is anti me.


A cigarette shortens your life by 2 minutes.
A beer shortens your life by 4 minutes.
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours.


I am Nobody. Nobody I perfect. So I am perfect.


Three fastest ways of communication:
a) Telephone b) Television c) Tell-a-woman.


DIET means Dare I Eat That.


About the toilet, Men don’t care, They can take a leak anywhere.


I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.


I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears.


Funny Quotes by Navjot Singh Sidhu.

That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.


There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it’s that of an incoming train which will run them over.


Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.


This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was run out in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados.
”Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope.”


Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.


Wickets are like wives – you never know which way they will turn!


He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!


The ball whizzes past like a bumble -bee and the Indians are in the sea.


The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.


Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!


The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!


Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.


You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.


Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.


One, who doesn’t throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.


Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.


Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.


You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.


The cat with gloves catches no mice.


Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.


Kumble’s bowling at the moment is flat as a Dosa.


The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.


Jokes

What do you do when Santa throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
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Why can’t Santa dial 911?
He cannot find the eleven on the phone.
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“Oh, look at the dead bird.”
Santa looked skyward and said “Where, Where?
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What do smart Santa and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
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HEAVEN
A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with “T”.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered…
1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?”

The Sardar replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc….”
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
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EMPLOYMENT?
Our Santa was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes
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DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.

After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.

He says, “Are Banta Singh! What the heck’s going’ on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?” Scared Banta replies. “Yeah, but you’ve got a *driver.* ”
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CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR
Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.

After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the sardaji told: “I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave”. The old lady then complained to the air hostess.

The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain.

Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji.

Capt. replied: “Nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar.”
———————————————————————————————————-
THE 4 SARDARJIS
There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugurated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and
waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up.
WHY? Because there was a sign at the entrance “Visitors not allowed.”

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY? Because their garage was on the first floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but
alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY? Because all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.

All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.
WHY? Because two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
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SANTA SING AND STUDENTS
Sardar Santa Singhji is the english teacher in a school. He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the english class.

This is what transpires :
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA ”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA ”
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA ”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA ”
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI”
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH ”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH”

By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him “What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA ,GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH.

The principle too is shocked , Santa Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for Santa Singh.
Principal : ” Santa singhji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH”.

Santa Singh : “Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spellings of assassination.:- Ass-Ass-I-Nation
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SOME SECRETS OF PAKISTAN ARMY
How do you stop a Pakistani tank ?
Shoot the men who are pushing it.

How do you disable a Pakistani tank?
Hide the wind-up key.

How do you disable Pakistani missiles?
Cut the rubber band.

Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name change for the PAF.
They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining Corps. This is because their planes end up in the ground anyway.

Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory.

Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes?
Neither has Pakistan.

Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
It’s a solar powered flashlight.

Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.

How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
Put it in water.

Did you hear about the 747 jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies.

Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.

Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi ?
There was a terrible power cut in Karachi’s Four Square Shopping Mall. People were stuck on the escalator for four hours.

Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre ? They were waiting to see the movie “Closed for the winter”.

Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash ?
The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses ?
They get it from chasing parked cars.

Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for five days ?
He was scheduled to take a medical test.

Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ?
Somebody stole the book.
———————————————————————————————————-
SOFTWARE HUSBAND
Husband : ( Returning late form work ) “Good evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn…
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found …
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied …
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!…
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use…
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot
———————————————————————————————————-
Support: “Type dir, space, a, colon.”
Customer: “With a space after ‘space’?”
———————————————————————————————————-
Student: “How do you spell HTML?”
———————————————————————————————————-

Jokes

ARCHER:
A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

“Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke. “I must find him!”
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

“You didn’t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?” asked the duke worriedly.
“No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.”

“That is truly astonishing,” said the duke. “I hereby admit you into my service.” The boy thanked him profusely.
“But I must ask one favor in return,” the duke continued. “You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.”

“Well,” said the boy, “first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target
around it.”
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LAWYER AND BLONDE:
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA
to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: “Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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REST IN PEACE
A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the “grand opening”, accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from
his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: “Rest in Peace”.

Embarrassed and irate at the florist’s error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist’s explanation. “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry….imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: Congratulations on your new location!”
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CAR RIDE
A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him. Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets in relieved to be out of the wet.

“Thanks pal I thought I would never……” he looks across at the driver and there is no one in the seat. Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the road where the guy lives – he is by now is in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not jumped from the car en-route is because it was travelling so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened.

Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry! Now it is stopped at the kerb again just up the street from where he lives and the guy gets out, closes the door and as he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car.

“Hey buddy I would not get in that car if I were you there’s something weird about it” “Yeah, I know” says the second guy ” But I’ve just pushed it four miles and I really need the rest”.
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TALK BETWEEN IT GUY AND A LABOURER
IT guy – (Asks worker) What do you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker – …….stays * quite*
IT guy – I have Money, Name, Stock Options What do
you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker – (Softly) I have work.
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DIARY
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for Bob.
Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have
enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
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It’s Me
You should be sure the person is me when he:

  • Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.
  • Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
  • Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
  • Tries to drown a fish in water.
  • Trips over a cordless phone.
  • Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
  • Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
  • Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, “Airport left”, he turns around and goes home.
  • Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.

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How do you make me laugh on Saturday?
Tell me joke on Wednesday.
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Why can’t Santa make ice cubes?
He always forgets the recipe.
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How did Santa try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
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