Category Archives: Jokes

Jokes

Joe: How long have you been working here?
Jack: Ever since my boss threatened to fire me.
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Don to his son: Why did you fail in your exams?
Son: They questioned me for 3 hr but I never told them anything.
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Son: How soon will I be old enough to do as I please?
Father: I don’t know. Nobody has lived that long yet.
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It’s amazing how easy it is for a man to understand a wife – when she isn’t his.
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“Where did you get those big eyes?”
“They came with the face.”
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Why didn’t skeleton want to go to school?
Because his heart wasn’t in it.
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Counselor: What is the main reason for a divorce?
Santa: Marriage.
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A girl comes late to class.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Girl: One boy was following me, sir.
Teacher: So, what?
Girl: That boy was walking very slowly.
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Q: Why were Adam and Eve so happy?
A: Because neither of them had in-laws.
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Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
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Jokes

Rani: I have changed my mind.
Raj: Thank God! Does the new one work now?
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Why do God’s stay up in heaven?
Because they’re afraid of what they’ve created.
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What happens when the earth rotates 30 times faster?
A – You get your salary daily.
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Do you think I’ll lose my looks as I get older?
Yes if you are lucky.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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Teacher: What does your father do?
Chintu: Whatever my Mom tells him to do.
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Boss: What’s wrong with your typewriter?
Sam: The “O” was upside down.
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There are two theories to arguing with women…
Neither one works.
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“I heard you missed school yesterday.”
“Not a bit.”
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A dog tied to a 15ft rope walked 25ft in a straight line. How come?
The rope wasn’t tied to anything.
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Jokes

Always give 3 weeks’ notice before you quit. It gives you extra time to mess things up.
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Teacher: Ashu, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Ashu: No, teacher, it’s the same dog!
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If you rearrange letters in ‘MOTHER IN LAW’ they would come out to ‘WOMAN HITLER’.
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If you lend someone Rs.100 and never see him again, it was perhaps worth it.
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There’s an advantage in being poor. The doctor will cure you faster.
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Santa wants to cheat the railways. Thinks a lot. Finally, buys the ticket and doesn’t travel.
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Some men wonder how they could live without women?
A – Cheaper.
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger! Then it hit me.
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What’s the best way to see flying saucers?
A – Pinch the waitress.
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As I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
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Jokes

Man to Lawyer: What are your fees?
Lawyer: Rs.2,500 for 3 questions.
Man: Isn’t it too high?
Lawyer: Yes, it is. What is your third question?
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Jack: I got married because I was tired of eating out and washing my clothes.
Sam: I got divorced for the same reason.
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Teacher: Hari, go to the map and find America.
Hari: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Hari!
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Control to pilot: What is your height and position?
Pilot: I’m five feet eight inches and I’m sitting down.
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Sign on a beauty parlour window: Don’t whistle at the girl going out from here, she may be your grandmother.
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Man 1: Whom are you working for?
Man 2: Same people. My wife and 4 kids.
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Mom, are our neighbors very poor?
Mom: No. Why?
Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.
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Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?
Because it’s all play.
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Santa was having the same weird dream every night, so he went to a doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Santa: I was chased by a vampire and I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing it, but it wouldn’t budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Santa: It said “Pull”.
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Son: Dad, how much does it cost to get married?
Dad: I never calculated, I am still paying for it.
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Jokes

Girlfriend: What do you like in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
Boyfriend: I like your sense of humour.
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Short fairy tale: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, ‘Will you marry me?’
The girl said ‘No.’ And the guy lived happily ever after.
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Sam, do you pray before eating?
Sam: No, my mom is a good cook.
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Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind 2.No business.
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Q: What do you get on rearranging the letters in the word ‘Mother in Law’?
A: ‘Woman Hitler.’
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Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Student: H I J K L M N O!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
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A car skidded. A woman ran over to help the driver but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. ‘Step aside, lady,’ he barked. ‘I’ve taken a course in first-aid!’ The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. ‘Pardon me,’ she said. ‘But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.’
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I would love to go out with you, but my favorite ad is coming on TV.
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My cracked mind lets in a lot of light.
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Angry Boss: Have you ever seen an owl?
Employee: (looking down) No Sir…
Boss: Don’t look down. Look at me.
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Jokes

Wife: Darling, Today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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What do you use for washing dishes?
Oh, I tried many things but found my husband the best.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. A cop caught her and asked, ‘Where are you going?’
‘I must be late, everyone is coming back.’
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Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of coincidence?
Sam: Sir, My mom and dad married on the same day and same time.
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Teacher: What is the difference between ‘He committed suicide’ and ‘He had to commit suicide’?
Sam: Sir, First person was unemployed and the second person was a married man.
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After robbing a Bank the robber asked a Clerk: Did you see me robbing?
Clerk: Yes.
He was shot dead.
To 2nd clerk: Did you?
2nd clerk: No, but my wife did.
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Man: What can be the maximum penalty for bigamy?
Friend: At the most, it can be two mothers-in-law.
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Height of confidence?
A 99 year old buying a SIM card with life-time validity.
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What’s the best thing to put into a pizza?
Your teeth.
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Mam to Joe: There’s a frog, ship sank, potatoes at Rs.3/kg. Then, guess my age?
Joe: 32 years.
Mam: How do you know?
Joe: Well, my sister is 16 years old and she’s half mad.
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Jokes

Mom: Every time you’re naughty I get another grey hair.
Son: Wow, Mom, You must have been a terror when you were young. Just look at Grandma.
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Girl to BF: 1 kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
BF: Thanks for the warning.
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Son: What do I write against my mother tongue?
Father: Very long.
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Tom: Guess what – I play the role of a man married for 30 years.
Dad: Never mind, next time you’ll get a speaking part.
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Why boys go to temple?
Because temple is the only place where you can find pooja, bhakti, bhavna, shraddha, aarti, archana, aradhana, laxmi, saraswati, divya, jyoti, vandana and shanty.
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My wife dresses to kill. Only problem is that she cooks in the same manner.
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Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Rare things are always sought after.
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Sachin: Boost is the secret of my energy.
Me: Then why are you revealing it to me.
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Judge: You’ll be hanged at 6 am tomorrow!
Criminal: HaHaHa!
Judge: What makes you laugh?
Criminal: I never get up before 8 am.
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Teacher: Name an animal which lives in land and water.
Sam: Frog!
Teacher: Good. Now name 3 such animals.
Sam: Frog’s mom, Frog’s dad and Frog’s sister.
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Jokes

Teacher: How can you make seven even?
Smart Sam: Remove the ‘S’!
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7 Sadhus were sitting on 7 mats on the floor. One man asked the oldest among them, “Baba, Girls don’t give me any response. What should I do?”
Sadhu told another sadhu, “Gutkeshwar, Lay one more mat on the floor”.
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I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting recently – extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas… I just think about it.
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A woman asked her co-worker to recommend a physician. He says, “I know a good one, but he is very expensive. He charges Rs.1000 for the first visit and Rs.500 for each one after that.” She goes to the doctor and trying to save some money, says, “I’m back!” Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examines her and says, “Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.”
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Doctor: I haven’t seen you here in a long time.
Man: I know, I’ve been ill.
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Doctor: “I’ve some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you’ve 24 hours to live.”
Man: “Oh no!”
Doctor: “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”
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Two women are arguing about whose dog is smarter. First woman says, “My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and takes the newspaper and brings it to me.” Second woman says, “I know.” First woman: “How?” Second Woman: “My dog told me.”
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I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife – You know, I was a fool when I married you. Wife – Yes, dear I know, but I was in love and did not notice.
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A sardar learning English introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar, this is my sardarni, He is my kid and she is my kidney.
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Jokes

An old lady offers a handful of peanuts to a bus driver, which he munched joyfully. After some time, she again hands him some peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. The driver asks her, “Why don’t you eat it?” She says, “I can’t chew them.” “Why do you buy them, then?” he asks puzzled. The old lady replies, “I just love the chocolate around them.”
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Waiter: Would you like your coffee black, sir?
Customer: What other colors do you have on the menu?
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Teacher: Why are you late, Ajay?
Ajay: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Ajay: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”
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A husband and wife were chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. “Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I’m listening.”
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A real estate salesman had just finalized his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. “That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?” “Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Go and sell him a houseboat.”
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A: “Excuse me, Do you know the way to the zoo?”
B: “No, I’m sorry I don’t.”
A: “Well, it’s two blocks this way, then one block to the left.”
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Diner: Watch out! Your thumb is in my soup!
Waiter: Don’t worry, Sir, it’s not that hot!
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Boyfriend: I had gone to your home. I don’t think we’ll be able to marry.
Girlfriend: Why? Did you meet my dad?
Boyfriend: No. I met your sister.
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Veeru: Jay, I need some money as I’ve forgotten my purse home.
Jay: No problem friend. Take this 5 rupee note. Take a rickshaw to your home and get your purse.
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Teacher to a 5 year old: What does your father do?
Girl: Whatever my Mom tells him to do.
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Jokes

A man professed his desire to become a great writer in his youth. When asked to define ‘great’ he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for a software company, writing error messages.
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Teacher: What is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: The moon.
Teacher: Why?
Pupil: The moon gives us light when we need it, but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it.
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John: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
James: “And did he?”
John: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
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A woman told her husband, “I dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” the husband replied. That evening, he came home with a small package. Delighted, she opened it and found a book titled ‘The Meaning of Dreams’.
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At a jewellery store, a young man bought an expensive ring to gift his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment and replied, “Just engrave: To my one and only one love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back at me in anger, I can use it again.”
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Two elderly ladies were discussing their husbands over tea. One of them said, “I wish my hubby would stop biting his nails. He makes me nervous.” The other woman said, “My Billy used to do the same thing, but I rid him of the habit.” “How?” asked the first lady, “What did you do?” The other lady said, “I hid his teeth.”
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Ever wondered why, in spite of the saying ‘never take your troubles to bed’, most people sleep with their wives?”
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From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, “One month after I die, I want you to marry Mr. Drone.” “Mr. Drone! But he is your enemy,” said the wife. “Yes, I know that! I’ve suffered all these years, so let him suffer now.”
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Museum administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue you have broken.
Visitor: Thank God! I was worried as I thought it was a new one.
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Wife: “Darling, you hate all my relatives.”
Husband: “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
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