Funny Quotes.

How do you define marriage? A very expensive way to get the laundry done.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not sure about the former.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I fought the law and the law won.

God thought he can’t be everywhere, so he created mother.
Then, Devil thought he can’t be everywhere, so he created mother-in-law.

The secret of success is knowing whom to blame for your failure.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes!

Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.

WOMAN is the most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I was born intelligent. Education ruined me.

If your father is a poor man, it’s your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.

In prison you spend the majority of time in an 8×10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle (chamber).

All things come to him who waits – provided he knows what he is waiting for.

Always listen to your hubby. He gives sound advice: 99% Sound and 1% Advice.

Our marriage is made up of trust and understanding. She doesn’t trust me and I don’t understand her.

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A man always had two reasons for what he does – a good one and the real one.

The glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time you fall, and demanding… “Waiter, one more peg please.”