First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Beat the 5’o clock rush, leave work at noon.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If people talk behind your back, what does it mean?
Simple! It means that you are two steps ahead of them!!!
If you talk to God, its prayer. If God talks to you, its schizophrenia (mental illness)!
Well, they do say opposites attract… so I sincerely hope that you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent and cultured…!!!
I’m modest and proud of it!
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up to three thousand times the memory.
Few women admit their age.
Even fewer men act theirs.
Your future depends on your dreams – So go to sleep!
I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.