Funny Quotes.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

For every action, good or bad, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The best years of a woman’s life are the ten years between thirty and thirty one.

Telling a Lie is a Fault for a Little Boy, an Art for a Lover, an Accomplishment for a Bachelor and for a Married Man it is a matter of Survival.

Only 20% boys have brains. Rest have girlfriends.

Drive carefully – 90% of people on the road are caused by accident!

‘Inside every fat man is a thin man frantically trying to get out but outside every thin girl is a fat man frantically trying to get in!’

Trust me, I’m a lawyer.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you’re really good, you’ll get out of it.

A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.

Money is the fruit of evil as often as the root of it.

Intuition is reason in a hurry.

A husband should always know what is the matter with his wife, for she always knows what is not.

If we all said to people’s faces what we say behind each other’s backs, society would be impossible.

When he said we were trying to make a fool of him, I could only murmur that the Creator had beat us to it.

It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.

If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place.

The good die young – because they see it’s no use living if you are good.

Peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has injured you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

All tragedies are finished by death; all comedies are ended by a marriage.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.

He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own.

To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler – and less trouble.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Lover never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion.

A rolling stone gathers no moss, but it gains a certain polish.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s; she changes it more often.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

“When I was young I used to think that money was the most important think in life. Now that I am old, I know it is.”

She had penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

The honeymoon is over when she starts wondering what happened to the man she married and he starts wondering what happened to the girl he didn’t.

When a woman lowers her voice, it’s a sign she wants something; when she raises it, it’s a sign she didn’t get it.

Brigands (Mafia) demand your money or your life; women require both.

‘Home, Sweet Home’ must surely have been written by a bachelor.

It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

Soft, sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing – that’s what a little boy loves to eat and a grown man prefers to marry.

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?

‘Be yourself!’ is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.