Jokes

ARCHER:
A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

“Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke. “I must find him!”
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

“You didn’t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?” asked the duke worriedly.
“No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.”

“That is truly astonishing,” said the duke. “I hereby admit you into my service.” The boy thanked him profusely.
“But I must ask one favor in return,” the duke continued. “You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.”

“Well,” said the boy, “first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target
around it.”
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LAWYER AND BLONDE:
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA
to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: “Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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REST IN PEACE
A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the “grand opening”, accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from
his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: “Rest in Peace”.

Embarrassed and irate at the florist’s error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist’s explanation. “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry….imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: Congratulations on your new location!”
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CAR RIDE
A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him. Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets in relieved to be out of the wet.

“Thanks pal I thought I would never……” he looks across at the driver and there is no one in the seat. Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the road where the guy lives – he is by now is in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not jumped from the car en-route is because it was travelling so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened.

Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry! Now it is stopped at the kerb again just up the street from where he lives and the guy gets out, closes the door and as he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car.

“Hey buddy I would not get in that car if I were you there’s something weird about it” “Yeah, I know” says the second guy ” But I’ve just pushed it four miles and I really need the rest”.
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TALK BETWEEN IT GUY AND A LABOURER
IT guy – (Asks worker) What do you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker – …….stays * quite*
IT guy – I have Money, Name, Stock Options What do
you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker – (Softly) I have work.
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DIARY
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for Bob.
Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have
enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
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It’s Me
You should be sure the person is me when he:

  • Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.
  • Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
  • Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
  • Tries to drown a fish in water.
  • Trips over a cordless phone.
  • Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
  • Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
  • Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, “Airport left”, he turns around and goes home.
  • Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.

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How do you make me laugh on Saturday?
Tell me joke on Wednesday.
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Why can’t Santa make ice cubes?
He always forgets the recipe.
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How did Santa try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
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