Jokes

What do you do when Santa throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
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Why can’t Santa dial 911?
He cannot find the eleven on the phone.
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“Oh, look at the dead bird.”
Santa looked skyward and said “Where, Where?
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What do smart Santa and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
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HEAVEN
A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with “T”.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered…
1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?”

The Sardar replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc….”
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
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EMPLOYMENT?
Our Santa was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes
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DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.

After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.

He says, “Are Banta Singh! What the heck’s going’ on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?” Scared Banta replies. “Yeah, but you’ve got a *driver.* ”
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CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR
Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.

After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the sardaji told: “I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave”. The old lady then complained to the air hostess.

The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain.

Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji.

Capt. replied: “Nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar.”
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THE 4 SARDARJIS
There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugurated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and
waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up.
WHY? Because there was a sign at the entrance “Visitors not allowed.”

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY? Because their garage was on the first floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but
alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY? Because all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.

All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.
WHY? Because two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
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SANTA SING AND STUDENTS
Sardar Santa Singhji is the english teacher in a school. He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the english class.

This is what transpires :
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA ”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA ”
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA ”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA ”
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI”
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH ”
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH”

By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him “What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA ,GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH.

The principle too is shocked , Santa Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for Santa Singh.
Principal : ” Santa singhji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH”.

Santa Singh : “Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spellings of assassination.:- Ass-Ass-I-Nation
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SOME SECRETS OF PAKISTAN ARMY
How do you stop a Pakistani tank ?
Shoot the men who are pushing it.

How do you disable a Pakistani tank?
Hide the wind-up key.

How do you disable Pakistani missiles?
Cut the rubber band.

Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name change for the PAF.
They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining Corps. This is because their planes end up in the ground anyway.

Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory.

Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes?
Neither has Pakistan.

Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
It’s a solar powered flashlight.

Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.

How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
Put it in water.

Did you hear about the 747 jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies.

Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.

Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi ?
There was a terrible power cut in Karachi’s Four Square Shopping Mall. People were stuck on the escalator for four hours.

Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre ? They were waiting to see the movie “Closed for the winter”.

Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash ?
The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses ?
They get it from chasing parked cars.

Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for five days ?
He was scheduled to take a medical test.

Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ?
Somebody stole the book.
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SOFTWARE HUSBAND
Husband : ( Returning late form work ) “Good evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn…
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found …
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied …
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!…
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use…
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot
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Support: “Type dir, space, a, colon.”
Customer: “With a space after ‘space’?”
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Student: “How do you spell HTML?”
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