Jokes

Scientists all over the world are wondering how long a human being can live without a brain…? Kindly tell them your age.


“Do you Drink?”
“First tell me whether it is a question or an invitation.


In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar (raised structure).
Since then, weddings have been held here.
And times haven’t changed at all!


My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.


May God give a friend like you to everyone…
Why should I suffer alone?


Boy: Do you love me because my father left me a fortune?
Girl: No stupid! I’d love you no matter who left you the money.


Q. What did one ghost say to another?
A. Do you believe in people?


Q. Difference between Jeweller and Jailor?
A. Jeweller sells watches and Jailor watches cells.


Q. How many times you can subtract 5 from 25?
A. Once. Because the number becomes 20 after one subtraction.


Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Just take your foot of his head.


A cigarette shortens your life by 2 minutes.
A beer shortens your life by 4 minutes.
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours.


Girl: Will you love me as much after marriage too?
Boy: Certainly. If your husband allows me to.


Girl: Mom, I was punished for something I didn’t do?
Mom: What was it?
Girl: My Homework.


Three fastest ways of communication:
a) Telephone b) Television c) Tell-a-woman.


Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.


Officer: What are you doing out here at 2 am?
Man: I am going to a lecture.
Officer: And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?
Man: My wife.


A man who owned a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prized possession. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.


Q. When you congratulate someone for their mistake?
A. On their wedding day.


Our marriage is made up of trust and understanding. She doesn’t trust me and I don’t understand her.


Teacher : How is it possible that 1+1 = 11 ?
Student : By mistake.


Meena : “Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?”
Rajni : “What, I have lived with him for ten years and now you mean to say I should make him happy.”


Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English student: I like it very much.


Beggar to a lady sitting on park bench: Hi Darling, let’s have some fun.
Lady: How dare you?
Beggar: Then what are you doing on my bed?


What is the depth of friendship?
It’s when your best friend runs away with your lover and you miss your friend.


A family just moved into their new home when a neighbour asked the 5 year old Vijay how he liked the house. “It’s great,” Vijay said. “I have my very new room and my brother has his own room, and Vinita has her own room too! But poor mom, she still has to put up with dad…”


Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee.
Waiter: Is it enough, Sir?
Customer: What? Do you think I can’t buy more?


Matrimonial ad of Devdas – Wanted wife. Age no bar, height and looks no bar, caste no bar… but girl’s dad should have his own bar!


Husband: Honey, we must get our daughter married to an intelligent man.
Wife: If only my father were so thoughtful.


I want to share everything with you – your joys, your sorrows, hour happy moments, every single second of the day… so let’s start with your ATM password.


At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying: You are next, you are next. But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals.


I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Cheque books.


My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. Besides, he looks cute in his valet (clean) parking attendant uniform.


Husband: Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
Wife: Somewhere I’ve never been!
Husband: The kitchen.


I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.


Teacher: How old is your father?
Sunny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.


The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. “Yes”, he said, “I do. My father taught me.” “Good. What comes after ten?” “A Jack.”


Teacher: Johnny, you can’t sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But may be if you were a little quieter, I could.


Q: What’s a baby’s motto?
A: If at first you don’t succeed – cry, cry again!


Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.


When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men, he said he couldn’t increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men, he’d fire them.


Patient: And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?
Doctor: Most certainly – you should be able to play it with ease.
Patient: That’s great. I could never play it before.


Lady: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter.


It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. “Oh, I don’t know,” she said, “Just give me something with diamonds.” So I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.


NASA discovered that ballpoint pens wouldn’t work in zero gravity, so they spent a decade and $12 billion to develop one that does, in any temperature, on any surface. The Russians used a pencil.


Woman: “Doctor, when I woke up this morning, my hair was frazzled, my skin wrinkled, and I looked like a corpse! What’s WRONG with me?”
Doctor: “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight…”


Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.


Question: When do you congratulate someone for a mistake?
Answer: On their wedding!