Sir: Oxygen is must for breathing. It was discovered in 1773.
Santa: Thank God I was born after that.
Husband: “I invited a friend home from supper.”
Wife: “Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
Husband: “I know all that.”
Wife: “The why on earth did you invite a friend for supper?”
Husband: “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure. What are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
A married couple was at a restaurant when the wife sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband says, “You’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?” She replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.” That’s remarkable” the husband says, “I never thought anybody could celebrate that long.”
Man: I want to find out if I have grounds of divorce.
Lawyer: Are you married?
Man: Yes, of course.
Lawyer: Then you have grounds.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate, so I got myself two girlfriends.
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can do without.
Customer: Waiter, call the manager. I refuse to drink this soup.
Waiter: But sir, the manager won’t either.
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles, the next day three miles, the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied, “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”
Interviewer: “Mrs. Smith, do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”
Mrs. Smith: “Yes. Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I also wrote a novel.”
Interviewer: “Very impressive, but I was asking about skills you could apply during office hours.”
Mrs. Smith: “Oh, that was during office hours.”